Christina Aguilera - Bionic, Petting Ring

I think I need a petting ring.

Am I being stupid?

I was first exposed to petting rings exactly 24 hours ago. Upon first laying my eyes on one, I thought:

1. That’s dumb.
2. How do you text, drive or wipe yourself with one on? I know Xtina totally pees on her hand when she wears that.
3. If I had a penis I bet that would hurt me.
4. My hands are good. Really good. What are the odds a hunk of metal could show me up?

I shrugged my shoulders and thought, “stupid fashion . . . not function” and went about my day. But that damn petting ring kept nagging at me. According to The Frisky, Christina Aguilera not only uses that ring to jack off her husband faster than Jamie Summers (The Bionic Woman or the porn star) but it also “holds the index finger and thumb in the perfect chi mudra position.” The chi mudra position?! Is that some crazy Kama Sutra shit? Hmmm, how come Xtina knows all about this but I don’t?

So then I googled “petting ring” and learned Angelina Jolie was all over that in 2007!   Just looking at Angie, we all KNOW she has crazy-good sex. I thought *I* was supposed to know about all the crazy-good sex things! You mean, I could have been dishing out crazy-good bionic handjobs for the last FOUR YEARS?! I made a mental note to look up “crazy-good handjob bionic devices everyone in the entire world knows about except me” on Fetlife. I was betting it was listed as a fetish on thousands of profiles as “into everything to do with.” I also figured if I scoured the internet long enough I’d find the G-spot version that holds the first and middle fingers locked in a slightly curved position. They probably even make a shocker version too.

The original design is The Betony Vernon Petting Ring which sells for $1,250. Ouch.  Luckily, Shock Boutique sells a knock-off for a cool $30.

Petting Ring - Shock Boutique

Hmmmmm. Should I?

So, I asked my boyfriend, “Have you ever heard of a petting ring?”

“No.”

I explained what it was used for and showed him a picture. He made a weird squinty face, shielded his genital area and echoed my original suspicions. “I don’t know if that looks like it would feel entirely comfortable. I would think your soft hands alone would feel better. I really can’t imagine anything all that wonderful that thing would do.”

So I got back to the internet and kept googling. After forwarding a few pages into my search results, I realized nearly all of the results were from blogs were people “heard” petting rings gave great hand-jobs. People “assumed” they were all the rage in kinky circles but I couldn’t find one person who had actually used one. Also, the chi mudra position? Not mind-blowing Kama Sutra shit. Meditatey yoga shit.  Totally not sexy.

I had been duped again by fashion propaganda.

I am still willing to try out a petting ring for its supposed intended purpose. You know, strictly for research purposes, of course. My boyfriend agreed as well. In his own words, “hell, I’d never turn down a hand-job.” What a trooper. But will I pay $30 for a hand job ring when I can get the milk for free? Nah. If I stumble across one ridiculously cheap I might pick one up in an impulsive moment. Want to send me one? Go ahead! I’ll not only try anything once but I have no qualms about telling everyone exactly how it was.

But really, what am I expecting to happen?

1. To hurt a penis (and not in a good way).
2. To pee all over my hand.
3. A split second of sloppy hand/mouth coordination leading to a lifetime of massive dental work.

Oh, and that Fetlife search?  It only returned one unrelated item:  Superhero Fetish.   My next blog post?  10 Creative Ways You Can Re-purpose Your Lasso of Truth.

3 replies
  1. Hardin Reddy
    Hardin Reddy says:

    No. Never had one. Never tried one. Never seen one. I much prefer the warmth of a woman’s palms and fingers around my member to hard, cold steel.

    Reply
  2. Sunnymegatron
    Sunnymegatron says:

    Mt thoughts exactly. But, as impractical as it is, I still *kinda* like it! But I’d have to take it off for hand-jobs!

    Reply

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