by Ken Melvoin-Berg
Ken Melvoin-Berg owns Weird Chicago Tours and the Midwest’s premier S&M Dungeon, The Studio. As a Lecturer and Sexstorian, he is the creator of On The Edge (a lecture/film series on BDSM). In addition to authoring 14 books on various subjects, Ken edits and writes numerous articles on sexuality.
He travels around the world teaching kink awareness to various private groups and continually develops new kink-friendly/sex positive classes.
Ken is responsible for the infamous Northwestern University Fucksaw controversy while teaching his class, Networking for Kinky People. Sunny Megatron is his partner in crime and perverted adventures.
This is a touchy subject, but I don’t feel like having sex all the time anymore. Surprise! I’m getting older. Soon I will be 44 years of age. I am into alternate sexual practices; I’m in an open relationship, BDSM, and have multiple sexual partners. I should always be in the mood, right? Wrong! My sexual appetites, extreme as they may be, don’t run the marathons they used to when I was 18. However, my primary partner, Sunny, has not only peaked, she is climbing Mount Everest.
This article is written from the perspective of an ethically non-monogamous man who digs chicks. Although I was born as the gender I identify as, don’t ever make the mistake of calling me a cismale, it’s an insult to me (I’m working on a future article explaining why I don’t like that term). No matter the gender or sex of your partner, you may find things you can relate to in this post.
On the physical side of things, erectile dysfunction, hypertension, diabetes, medications, and a host of other medical conditions can be a mood and boner killer for those of us with dicks. This article deals primarily with the psychological reasons men don’t want sex. If you suspect a medical issue, go see your doctor.
So what’s a dirty old man to do when the mood isn’t arriving as easily as it has in the past? The first thing to do is fucking relax. You are not the first person on earth to not feel like doing it all the time.
Identify the Root Problem
Not being in the mood is nobody’s fault. It does not mean I don’t find my partners super sexy and irresistible as hell. Sometimes I’m stressed. Sometimes I have an aging body with a decline in sexual desire. Sometimes it’s Thursday and I don’t want to fuck.
Getting your libido in sync with your partner’s is a psychological thing first and foremost. Weight gain, self esteem issues, financial pressure, and lack of communication are the most common sources of tension in any couple. Knowing this is half the battle.
For example, if you are living from paycheck to paycheck, and are stressed about it, a good partner may want to have sex with you to relieve the tension. But in a lot of cases, especially with men that are primary providers, this may be the last thing they want to do!
Identifying the principal source of psychological discomfort can be hard, humiliating, and cause more tension in the short term. Digging deep and discovering the true issue is very comforting and can lead to a better, more communicative relationship.
Communicate How You Feel About the Situation
Talking can help. Actually sit down and look for a way to best communicate why you feel the way you do. Sometimes we can figure this out in counseling, other times it may be as simple as discussing the problem with your partner to uncover what is at the base of the issue. This isn’t always easy but it is always helpful.
Men, in particular, have a hard time communicating about emotions and accepting blame for emotional discomfort. Acting masculine doesn’t mean you have to be a dick.
Take the communication a step further and bring it into the bedroom. If you’re trying to solve an issue about sexytime, bring it to the place where sexytime happens. For example, if you’d like your partner to add a few new moves to their blowjob repertoire, tell them! If you’ve been wishing they’d throw in more hand motions, a tickle of the balls, or to move a little to the left, let them know. You might find asking specifically for what you want and working together to achieve it, works wonders.
Think about what fantasies get you in the mood
Men have fantasies that when acted upon can easily rev up the libido. We can’t always have what we want; however, asking your partner to act out some of the elements of a fantasy is a great way to get exactly what you want!
This doesn’t have to be asking your partner to swing from the chandelier or host a wild orgy. Acting on a fantasy can be something as simple as asking for and receiving unreciprocated oral sex. For some, anal sex might be taboo enough to give you wood hard enough to cut diamonds. Yet others may want to incorporate elements of BDSM like choking, spanking or hair pulling. I personally like getting stuck in a Pornado (sitting at my computer watching my favorite porn) and simultaneously having Sunny give me head while she’s wearing a wig. Let your imagination run wild!
Sometimes I’m not in the fucking mood, literally. It’s OK to not be in the mood. For the love all you hold dear, tell your partner why you aren’t in the mood! They might think the reason has something to do with them– they’re not attractive, you don’t love them, they have gained too much weight or a million other things. Reassure your partner. In this case, a little communication can go a long way.
The self-help book, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus by John Grey, can be a bit of pop psychology bullshit, but it does have some universal truths in it. Men that love men often have an easier time in communication with their partners than heteros (at least in some basic ways), because most men communicate in roughly the same way.
I am hetero, and I am writing from a hetero point of view. For me, women are amazing, beautiful, fragile, yet strong creatures that need communication on a level I can’t begin to comprehend. Understanding women is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. I will never try and understand women but, by Odin’s balls, I try to communicate with them!
Not being in the mood can be a great opportunity to get what we desire sexually at a later time too! Don’t let re-scheduling freak you out. Setting a solid date/time later can help the problem resolve itself. There is nothing wrong with scheduling time for sex. Don’t force yourself to be sexy at a time you’re not feeling it!
The little blue pill isn’t the only answer!
Some think as we age, medicine is the only thing that can help us get or keep wood. The little blue pill doesn’t help with desire; it only helps with erectile dysfunction. Swingers are almost always on the forefront of medical techniques that help older folks with these issues. This section is very subjective to what works for you as an individual. Take all of this with a grain of salt and check with your doctor before trying anything as extreme as injecting your cock with go-go juice. I also need to add, “Buyer Beware!” There’s a lot of quackery and snake oil out there.
Many will use whatever current herbal supplement is in vogue at the moment. However, the US government cracks down on anything that could be potential competition to Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, and Avanafil. Herbal supplements are great when you find one that works for you. Often times, as soon as you do find one that works, the government takes it off the shelf because it threatens the livelihood of big pharms. Most of the best supplements have a combination of capsicum (chili peppers), ginger, yohimbe, and cinnamon. Look for these when starting to look for an herbal supplement.
Intracavernosal injections are the latest trend. According to the American Urologic Association, taking an intracavernosal injection (a medical injection right to the cock) is the single most effective treatment for erectile dysfunction. Alprostodil and Phentolamine are the most common medicines that men are shooting into their own meat mushroom. Some doctors are also prescribing multiple compounds together in what is called Bi-mix and Tri-mix.
Cockrings are like external Viagra. Restricting blood flow of the penis by sticking your cock and balls in a leather, silicone, stone, or metal cock ring can make you harder, thicker, and more robust. But they aren’t for everyone. My personal favorite is Stockroom’s Stainless Steel Teardrop Cock Ring. It gives me a raging boner harder than Chinese Algebra, and is designed to simultaneously give an external prostate massage. Plus, the weight of the metal feels great!
Topical lotions at this point in time are snake oil. They don’t work or they make your cock numb and useless. There are some new topical lotions in the works that are similar to the intracavernosal injection meds, but they aren’t on the market yet.
For women, there currently isn’t any equivalent of a little blue pill. Pfizer tried desperately to come up with something as women are much more likely to use meds than men are. The fact of the matter is, women are primarily going to succumb to mental and physical efforts such as counseling, education, muscle relaxation, and self exploration (masturbation).
When it comes to getting in the mood, remember to relax, identify the problem, communicate, and live out some fantasies. Bring your communication to the bedroom. It’s OK to re-schedule sex for a later time if you’re not in the mood. Please go to your doctor if you have either a mental or physical issue that should be treated with conventional medicine, and use meds only if you have to!
~ Ken Melvoin-Berg