Will you be toasting the single life this Valentine’s Day? Are you thanking your lucky stars you’re rid of that narcissistic, psycho-babbling asshole once and for all? Relieved you plucked that waste of breath from your life before February 14th so you didn’t have to burn cash on another asinine, meaningless gift? It’s bad enough they made you pick up the tab every single, bloody time you went out. To make things worse, that selfish jerk-off didn’t even have the courtesy to give you a proper lay afterward most of the time.
This Valentine’s Day pour yourself a nice stiff drink, burn everything that fucker ever gave you, then sit down in front of the computer to buy yourself one of these well deserved Anti-Valentine’s Day gifts.
1. A better name for the Ex Husband Plush Voodoo Doll* may have been “Prick a Prick.” It’s stamped with an assortment of phrases such as, “I want ALL not half,” “Stop showing up at PTA meetings drunk,” and “Get your clothes off the lawn.” For some of you, they may need to make an extra strength model that says things like, “Stop faking your own suicide,” “Uh oh, someone’s off their meds again” and “NO! I won’t give you bail money!”
2. Sometimes the best way to overcome your frustration is to talk about it with others. Wear your murderous rage proud, vent to the world and look adorable while doing it with The Ex Voodoo Doll Brooch.
3. Feeling stabby? That asshole wasn’t worth the time of day, much less 25 to life. Get it out without going to jail with The Ex Knife Set*.
4. Dating again? Make sure you’re armed with the Bullshit Button* (As a bounus, if you’ve been out rightfully whoring it up since your breakup, you might want to get one of these* for your bedside table. I have one! Love it!).
5. How much do you REALLY hate that pigfucker? Get the ultimate, creepy crawly revenge: CRABS.
6. You can’t properly put that dead marriage to rest without a Wedding Ring Coffin.
7. Are you a PHD of The Big D? Then you need a Divorce Diploma!*
To help us celebrate Anti-Valentines Day, all of the orphaned glitter graphics left homeless by the recent demise of MySpace got together to sing you an Anti-Valentines Day song. Have a wonderful, boozey day!
*affiliate links, mama needs to eat